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Entry 9-3-01 (originally written 5-7-01)
Dismantle thyself.

What does it mean mentally to be a prickvixen? What is the ethos? Dissection of motive, including one's own (such as I'm doing now). Dissection of social structure. My characters often have fiendishly precise powers of analysis, something which I only wish I shared, but over time I've been able to make some progress in understanding how the human mind works, both individually and in tandem in what we call society. This is useful knowledge to have. But I don't think that the prickvixen mentality is necessarily psychopathic, nor is it overly empathic, certainly.

With this analysis, I suppose, comes a rejection of most centers of authority, because they simply do not withstand scrutiny... most authorities do not derive their power from a moral high ground or from superior knowledge or ability. In the end most of them derive power from force of arms, from the weight of dollars. At least in our time, this is generally considered repugnant, if not evil, and the fact must be cloaked on numerous levels, the truth obscured or deflected. To a creature which thrives on data, this is highly offensive. With this knowledge comes the belief that no established foci of authority are legitimate, that legitimacy itself is meaningless, and that it really comes down to who can kill whom first. Beyond crushing force of the military or economic sort, whoever acts as though they're in charge is in charge.

This is the profound disconnection that as a prickvixen I find myself in... all the structures of society that have been described to me at length are only shadows, they have become transparent and I have nothing to believe in, I fear to believe in anything in case it too turns out to be built of lies. With rare exceptions, to be a prickvixen means to be alone. It is very easy to despair... being overly logical, I have difficulty developing arguments for why I will prevail, but it is not hard to reason that I will fail. I know that some people become powerful, some people become stars, so it can be done, and that there's no compelling reason why I couldn't do it too. But I want to know, I want to be sure, I want to believe in myself. That is probably where the characteristic overt arrogance comes from, reinforcing one's own belief by convincing others... fundamentalist Christians would do this to me all the time. They'd try to convert me to convince themselves.

The situation is not dissimilar. In a way this is a religion where I'm the deity-- religion is really just an extention of innate authority structures --and I need followers, so I have to do something to make them believe. I'm rather short on miracles so I'm left with persuasion, with a hopefully charming personality. I must learn to appreciate aspects of myself that others see but which I overlook. If I had certainty in myself and in my ascension, even if it was semi-delusional, I know I would prevail, but I am just too analytical sometimes.

I would love there to be kindred monsters in the world. I can't imagine that I'm the only one. But it's not an easy thing to be... some days I feel as though I'll self-destruct. I feel so lost sometimes, as though outside the walls of my home is a great void. Sometimes I feel as though everything works in concert to destroy me. Sometimes I feel invisible. I can't be the only one. Somewhere there are people I haven't met yet who will help me with what I wish to do. Will I know them when I see them? I don't believe much in fate or prophecy... they have never proven themselves to me. I am a creature who must be convinced, who is afraid to take anything on faith anymore, and I fear this will be my downfall. I insist that the world prove itself to me or begone, and this too is part of being a prickvixen.

But why the body I choose? Why a girl with a dick? It's not natural... but none of us anymore are natural. I am not a man, nor a woman, and I refuse to be fit into these sanctioned roles. They are entirely too limiting. I'll take what I want of each, take what I want, period, and leave the rest to those with more subdued aspirations.

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