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Entry 6-20-03
It's imagining my readers' reactions that really makes these entries worth writing.

Every so often I think about having sex with my mother. Not like I'm planning an itinerary; I fantasize. But then two things make me stop dead in my tracks. One: she's really old, and even young, attractive people kind of gross me out when I'm fucking them. Two: last I remember, she annoys the piss out of me, and I have this strange contrary impulse where I try not to fuck anybody who I can't stand to be around... I know it's weird, but that's how I'm made.

Nevertheless, I have these sleazy fantasies about fucking my mother. Let's say it's a couple of years from now, my grandmother has died and I'm home for the funeral, and my mother's all alone now and bereaved and vulnerable, and I'm like "I don't want to sleep alone," pretending I'm grieving, too, and so we share a bed and I snuggle up to her and rub against her, and after a while she starts rubbing back, because in my sick world she's just waiting for an excuse to be led into depravity, which would be really excellent, I think, but not practical for reasons I've already outlined.

And at some point my mother's underwear spontaneously disappears, since my trying to suavely slide it off of her would be crass, but it's got to get out of the way somehow... actually that's a weak point of these fantasies and I have yet to work out a plausible solution. So then we fuck, and she really gets off on it but she's also sickened, particularly because she enjoys it, and this is good, too; we don't want to sway too far towards either rejection or acceptance, we want to keep it interesting with a constant inner conflict, so that Mom is ashamed of fucking her child but nevertheless does it anyway for one or more internal reasons, and this is what is called 'sleaze.'

I want to get her to call me 'Ashy' in these awful trysts-- I gave her the option of calling me by my birth name once, and she's run with it, denying that anything I've explained to her about me has ever transpired --it would be a victory of sorts, and it would be a way she could deny that she's being pounded by her offspring, but mostly it would be an exercise in dominance to make her acknowledge who I am now. That's why it's difficult for me to place any psychological basis for these occasional fantasies, because other than the fact that one of the principals is my mother, they don't differ substantially from any of the dominance/submission fantasies I usually wank to.

After (or during) these mental sex scenes, I ask myself "Would you really want to do that?" and I think about how it would be really awful to do that to her, to take advantage of her like that, and how I can't stand to be around her anyway, and I say "Nah, I wouldn't really do that." But it's like talking about how I'm going to eat a huge steak dinner and then ordering something light when dinner finally comes around... it's that casual.

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